Grey Goose, Tea, and Bacon: A Housewarming Adventure

Two and a half months after moving into my new apartment, I decided to throw a house-warming party, which also served as a going-away party for Alicia, our Chinese teacher, who is headed off to NYU to study. While certainly no match for the parties of my youth, it turned out to be something of a rager, at least considering how thoroughly boring I usually am.

One highlight involved some ill-advised partygoers plying our new Chinese teacher with copious amounts of Grey Goose, enough that she ended up in a rather bad state. I pointed out to an onlooker that, seeing as she was emptying her guts into my trash can two days before even teaching a single class, she perhaps lacked a certain "moral authority" that might be expected of a teacher. I didn't think she would even hear me, but she showed remarkable spunkiness by lifting her head out of the wastebasket, screaming "shut the fuck up," and then burying her head back in the trash can and proceeding to puke for another half hour. Good times, even if it did make for an awkward first lesson the next day:

New Chinese teacher: Use the idiom 乱哄哄 [filthy] in a sentence.
Me: After you puked in my apartment, it was 乱哄哄.
New Chinese teacher: A+, smart-ass.

Another highlight: the cops came. This was only the second time the bacon has busted in on a party I've thrown, the first time having been about ten years ago in Berkeley. This turn of events was not totally unexpected, and the police seem to be largely powerless here anyway, so it's not too big a deal. A guest mentioned that they were nearby, so I went downstairs to meet them.

The scene in one act, with all dialogue in Chinese unless otherwise noted:

(Cut to a dark hallway on the ground floor. The silence is punctuated by the volcanic snoring of an apneatic neighbor. Two officers approach.)

Me: What's the problem, Officers?
Officer 1: Do you live here?

(I suddenly realize that it would be rather convenient not to understand what they are saying. Ten-second pause.)

Me (English): Sorry, I don't understand.
Officer 1: But you just spoke in Chinese a second ago.
Me (English): Sorry, I don't understand what you are saying.
Officer 1 (to Officer 2): He understands me, I know it!
Officer 2 (to Officer 1): I know! He just spoke Chinese! What's going on?
Me (English): Sorry, what's the problem, Officers?
Officer: Do you live here? Who lives here?
Me (English): Maybe we could discuss this in a civilized manner over some of your glorious country's delicious traditional liquor? Would you like to do a shot with my new Chinese teacher?

(This goes on for a while. Little progress is made. Eventually, they make it clear that they want to go to the source of the noise, so I escort them to my apartment, where Alicia meets us at the doorway.)

Alicia: What's the problem, Officers?
Officer: The neighbors are complaining that it's too loud. Who lives here?
Alicia: Oh, he does. You can just speak to him in Mandarin.
Officer (to me): I thought you don't speak Chinese?
Me (to Alicia, in English): Um, Alicia, I think you forgot that I don't speak any Chinese.
Alicia (to me, in Mandarin): Oh, your Chinese is good enough to...
Me (to Alicia): No, really, I don't speak any Chinese.
Alicia: (flash of understanding) Ah, I see.
Officer (to me): Where are you from?
Me (in English): I don't understand.
Officer (to me, really slowly): Which. Country. Are. You. From?
Me (in English, after ten-second pause): Ah. Mehr. Ih. Ka.
Officer (repeating after me in English, without understanding): Ah. Mel. Ee. Ka.
Officer (to Alicia, increasingly annoyed): What the hell country is he from?
Alicia: America.
Officer: Is he here for study or work?
Alicia: Work.
Officer: Which company?
Alicia: [name of rather well-known Internet company that I work for]
Officer: (Face brightens) Oh, that company! They're great! I just saw [name of rather famous and popular president of our company's Chinese division] on TV yesterday. He's really smart. (To me) OK, just go upstairs and tell everyone to be quiet and we'll leave.
Me (in Mandarin): OK, I'll go upstairs and tell them to be quiet. Thanks, Officers!

I went upstairs and asked my guests to play a little game where everyone remains perfectly silent for five minutes. Most people obliged, except for the second-drunkest person present (after the new Chinese teacher of course), who naturally shrieked at the top of her lungs. Eventually she quieted down too, and the cops left. I haven't been evicted yet.

The next day, the neighbors (who seem to genuinely like me, at least during daylight hours) all disclaimed responsibility for having called the cops.

There were actual highlights at the party too. Alicia instructed her students to prepare "performances" for the party — Chinese people love performances. One coworker sang a song, and one conducted a Gongfu tea ceremony. I performed a popular, tongue-twisting rap song about the sheer awesomeness of the Chinese language. Sample lyrics (I kid you not): "We've been toiling for years practicing English pronunciation and grammar. How about this year we switch places, and make them roll their tongues and even the score?" Good stuff.